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About Deviant Core Member Amber Lanverton17/Female/United Kingdom Groups :iconkitsumeras: Kitsumeras
 
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Little me by Auric-Fox

Hey, my name's Amber, but you can call me Auric, Alexandra, Alex, or Linxie <3 I'm a 17 year old Medical Science student, who in her spare time adores to experiment with digital art and photography. I'm extremely laid back, so please don't fear talking to me, because I'm not one of those stuck up people, nor will I shout at you uvu I love talking to my watchers. My life's pretty hectic, my college hours are from 9AM until 5PM and I usually get home an hour after I leave the building due to travel time. So I don't have a lot of free time on my hands, but that doesn't stop me from drawing every now and then; art's my passion, it's what I do to calm myself.
I can't live without music, sounds silly, but music is one of my favourite things in life. My music taste is very broad, I just love hearing raw talent through sound, it's something that's extremely inspirational to me.
My hobbies include art of course, science, watching movies, cuddling my kitties and making bead art, I can play the keyboard a little but not that well currently as I'm only a beginner ;-; I personally don't think I'm that all interesting, but you may see otherwise, each to their own :heart:

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I don't bite, I love making new friends
Add me if you'd like to know me more <3 Please state who you are though because I will not accept people who don't say who they are uvu



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Why I've been gone a lot recently

Journal Entry: Thu Aug 20, 2015, 4:39 PM
I feel as though I should tell everyone why I've been gone, why I haven't been drawing, why I don't reply to comments, why I don't upload much and when I do upload it's only designs

Recently I've only been talking to people that know me in person, and my close online friends, and they sorta know the situation I'm in right now, but I know most of you don't, and by most I mean all but 1 of you (yes you Bec c': )

I don't know where to start, and if you do decide to write a comment please don't expect me to reply straight away, especially if it's a long comment, I just don't want to talk to many people right now apart from those closest to me, it's a lame excuse but I hope you can understand that given the circumstances I'm in. Please know though, I do read every comment I get even if I don't reply :heart: All of your support means so much to me, and I mean that with honesty

I'll start by linking a feely song for you all 



Anyway

I'll start by saying about May.
May was a bad time in my life, I was in a relationship where I was happy but I ruined it because of my behaviour. I used to be a very, very very very angry person back then. The slightest things would cause me so snap and maybe even sometimes become violent, despite me not being a strong person. I used to take my anger out, mainly, on myself, but there were a number of times where I would verbally abuse who I was with at the time, I wouldn't allow him to have friends due to my jealousy, I wouldn't allow him to spend time with his family and I just really don't see why I was like it to be honest, because I ruined the one thing that made me the happiest. I can't do anything about it now as he's decided he wants nothing to do with me, I can't control how people feel. We were with each-other for just over a year, and no I'm not over him at all, I don't think I will be for a long time yet. He said to me when he first left me that we would start over again and all he needed was time, and in between time I worked on fixing myself mentally so I wasn't that person anymore, and so I was more the person he met two years ago, he said starting from square one was what we needed, but when I went to see him when I was ready, I wrote a letter to him in July, he told me he shown up to get it into my head that we'd never be together again. This made me feel lied to, betrayed, miserable, upset, lost, confused, worthless, empty and just damn right depressed.
My friends will know how much I worked on myself, how hard it was, and how serious I am and was about this change in me. They really think I've come such a long way. I guess that's something I'm really happy about despite everything.
It wasn't easy to change though, at first I was still very aggressive and violent, I strangled myself to the point of bleeding, my mum had to call the police because I left the house and told her I wasn't coming back as I claimed I just wanted to end my life. Coming from someone who's terrified of death, I look back on that and just sigh, I probably said it for attention, because I know I didn't mean it. I will fully admit to all of my flaws, and the reason as to why I'm so open and honest about them is because I'm over that now, and I can laugh at how I used to be and I see it as silly. Everyday I'd wake up, I'd draw the curtains and shut my blinds, I'd keep outside as far away from me as possible as I just didn't want to be alive and feeling that way, my heart was broken into a million pieces, I didn't wash or shower for weeks, I didn't eat properly, I would go through stages of over eating, and then stages where I'd starve myself, I would even vomit because of how little or how much I was eating, and I was just harming myself so much. I used to cut myself and paint with the blood, I'd write words with it, I've destroyed the walls of my room because of me throwing things at them and I'm wanting to pay to repair this. Luckily, I don't have physical scars.
I was also diagnosed with a life long condition, I will not go into it for personal reasons, but it means I've had to be on anti depressants for a while now to stop me from being in agony every day, I will admit to the fact that my anti depressants have probably made this transition easier, and I can say with confidence that I'm who I used to be before all of this fucked up because of my actions. My doctor ran tests on me to check my hormone levels, and I have a huge hormonal imbalance, she told me that my anger, violence and moods were probably because of this, I was on the pill for over a year, and then had a depo injection, and my body apparently doesn't agree with it. I'm not blaming that though, because I should've controlled myself more than I did. I've been given prescribed vallium for my anger, but I haven't been taking them for that as I haven't had episodes where I've even gotten angry at anything anymore, instead I've gone back to my anxious state, I get a lot of panic attacks and I find it hard to sleep at night.

It really messed me up, just all of that, and I thought life couldn't get any worse, but you just don't know how bad something is until it gets worse, in fact losing James (who I was with) seems like nothing compared to what's happening now. I'm not saying I see losing him as nothing, because that's not the case, I fucking hate being away from him, he's someone who I saw as close as family to me, but also my best friend, I could never be myself around anyone else as much as I was with him, I could never laugh as much as I did with anyone but him, everywhere I go when I leave the house reminds me of being there with him, I remember how he'd make me smile, how he'd hold my hand and tell me how he loved being with me, how happy he was, how much he loved me. I'd kill to have that back, I honestly would. I miss him like crazy, but I won't go to him anymore, he's made it apparent he doesn't want to see me ever again, I wrote him a letter describing how I feel and how sorry I am, and he posted it back to me with a note that basically said he never wants to hear from me again and if I ever send something to him again he'll just mail it back to me because he doesn't want to hear it, and y'know, that hurts so fucking badly.. I've tried my best, and I don't go a day without thinking about him.

What made things get easier away from James was life getting worse than it was back then, because I just don't want to lose anyone else. I barely have anyone in my life, I talk to two people I know in person sorta; Ashley and Zach (if you're reading, just thought I'd mention you both :3) I talk to one person from here becquereI (she's an amazing person and she's extremely artistically talented, do go check her out!) and my CSGO friends, and those people are the ones who make me laugh and smile despite all this shit, they're the ones that stop me from giving up, they give me hope, they've taught me I can be happy despite life being horrible, they've proven to me that I do have people there for me who care, and they've been there for me through this journey. They're the biggest help I've had, apart from family, and I can't thank them enough for it. So if you're reading, I want to give a massive thank you for being there for me, you guys are the best!
As for Family, this is when things go further downhill.

My Uncle's been suffering with kidney failure for several years now, he came to live back here in the UK because of how the weather was in the USA, and also the healthcare. He couldn't get out of bed because he was in agony, it was too humid there which didn't help how he was feeling, so eventually he came back to live with me and my mum, so me and my uncle are really close in my opinion, he's like a big brother to me even though he's my mum's brother. We all used to argue and not get along back when I was arrogant, ignorant, selfish, aggressive, and argumentative, but my family have all seen a change in me, they forgive me for how I was, and we've just left how I was in the past. That's something I cherish, and I'll continue to cherish it for my existence; forgiveness.
My Mum was going camping a lot over the Summer, I didn't go with her, so I stayed at home with my Uncle, and we would talk a lot more when this happened. My Uncle was telling me about this pain he was experiencing in his back and in his ribs, he told me that it was agonising from the moment he woke up because he'd get tenseness in his ribs, and his back would just be so painful it'd make him just not want to move. My Uncle put a spot on his back to mark where the pain was so when he went to the hospital to get it investigated he could point out exactly where the pain was, which wasn't near his kidneys. Part of my Uncle's Kidney condition does involve problems with going for a pee, obviously, but there were huge concerns when my uncle started passing blood when he'd go to the toilet. My Uncle has been managing his condition with his diet, and he's been doing an amazing job of it, because all of the doctors have seen an improvement in his health over the past years, his health has gotten better and he hasn't been on dialysis, so I find that absolutely amazing. So when my Uncle discovered he was passing blood as well as having this pain, he made an appointment to the hospital to get everything checked out.

This has happened recently. My Uncle had the investigation, and everything seemed fine at first until they used a camera to see internally if there were any issues with his bladder. He said the doctor investigating him very quickly changed expression, she found something she didn't expect to find. She found tumours in my uncle's bladder. He has yet to have a CT scan to see if these are a form of aggressive cancer or not, but this is exactly what my Granddad had before he passed away two years back. Of course, we're all extremely worried, and we're not sure on how this could be treated considering they couldn't get the bleeding to stop with my Granddad, he died shortly after due to having a heart attack due to him stressing out too much about the situation.
My Uncle used to have a problem with drinking alcohol about a decade ago, so he has put on weight because of this, which may interfere with if they can operate on him or not due to his kidney condition too, the anaesthetic can do serious damage on him. We don't know what's going to happen from here, but he had a very rough day today.
He's naturally quite tanned, but he went as white as a ghost today, he had cold sweats and shakes, couldn't go for a pee an when he did he'd pass blood, he kept vomiting because of how much pain he was in. He refused me and my mum to call an ambulance, but we both thought it was needed. If he's still like it in the morning then we will not hesitate in calling one. I can't stop worrying, and I probably won't rest easy tonight. I've never seen him this ill, and it is scaring me.

I don't have much to update on that situation as things have very recently gone downhill and are continuing to do so.

As my last few paragraphs I'll write about another reason as to why I haven't been active. A lot of you will know, I adore animals and I have 4 cats of my own, and a lot of you love animals too, so you will understand the pain I'm in right now with this situation.
We have four cats here in this house, the eldest of which being 20, his name is Marty. Marty suffers with renal failure and has done for many years now, he's on a special diet and he's lived a good 5 years longer than he would have without being on that food, he hasn't been suffering so don't worry about that, in fact since he's been on that diet he's been playing, he's been happier, and he looked healthier too.
With old age comes a time when you realise you'll have to let go someday. Marty's health went very bad recently, his anatomy even looks different, but I guess that's just because of him ageing. A few days back Marty wasn't eating, he wasn't doing anything, he wouldn't want to be touched, he would be grumpy, he wouldn't have the energy to stand up, and he looked different to normal. We thought we were going to lose him or he'd have to be put down as we believed he was suffering.
Yesterday me and my Mum went to the vets to get him checked out as he had this lump on his head, which turned out be an abscess, the vet cleared the abscess and he's on a course of antibiotics now. Since that's been cleared he's been back to normal, but we do realise we may lose him. Marty's been there for me my entire life, and he is literally my mum's best friend, he's been there for her through thick and thin, he was all she had when she brought up a disabled son on her own, when she couldn't leave the house because of Jake's (my brother's) health, he was there when she went through an emotional breakdown when I was a child, he was there when she was heartbroken, and he was there for her always. Marty's one in a million, and he's the most friendly cat you'd ever meet, he wouldn't harm a fly.

I'm saving up for a £260 on canvas painting of Marty for her, which is why I've been posting nothing but designs, as I need to save my money up right now to pay for this because I'd like this here for her Christmas present. I don't know if we'll still have Marty by then, but she can have this forever. I chose an artist who will paint him to perfection, a realistic painting.

So with all of this going on, I really hope you can understand why I haven't been that active..
On top of this I got my college results last week; I failed every single subject I took, I didn't even get a grade in anything.

I'm starting a new course in September, I'll be studying Medical Science as a BTEC so I won't have exams, but I will have assignments. I'm really excited for it and I think I'll do exceptionally well this year and the next :heart:
 I will be in three days a week from 9AM until 5PM with this course, and I will probably be getting a part time job, so again, I may not be very active, and I truly am sorry for that.

Thank you for reading and best wishes for how your lives are at the moment
- Amber ~


Have another feely song because I'm evil



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